Last night, the sweet baby Jesus appeared to me in a dream. I’m pretty sure I heard his tiny, infant voice while I was asleep, though it mostly consisted of cries. These cries I was able to translate into Adultspeak, because it was my dream after all, and your dreams make you all-knowing and mad with power. Anyway, the sweet baby Jesus told me this: “Hi, Ju! I am about to be born soon! On the contrary, your online column is dying!!” That last sentence actually came in the form of a high-pitched wail, so I assumed sweet baby Jesus was talking about death.
So yes! This online column is about to pull a 30-ish (no-longer-a-baby-but-is-now-resurrected-though-still-sweet) Jesus, and it’s only appropriate that I attempt to pair Christmas with your hearts through this volume of One (un)True Pairing: THE CHRISTMAS MIXTAPE!!!
Julian Casablancas – “I Wish It Was Christmas Today”
The first order of business come Christmas day: allow yourself to be filled with all that holiday spirit! I am giving you permission to wallow in your misery and be insufferable for the next 365++ days as long as you do your best to keep it attractive, but Christmas is just a one-time thing that you should try to enjoy as much as you can. How can you not enjoy it with all that wine pouring from left to right? That sumptuous ham waiting to be placed inside your mouth? The sight of your Tito Boy throwing up on the kitchen counter after drinking like a fish? It’s not so hard to have a happy Christmas, if you think about it. Plus points if you celebrate it in an ugly sweater. Still finding it hard to get it on with the holidays? Here is The Strokes’ Julian Casablancas to give you that much-needed optimism, you grump.
Hanson – “Merry Christmas Baby”
Merry Christmas, baby. This one is self-explanatory. (Note: I was actually torn between two Youtube versions of this happy Hanson yuletide song: version one is Tolerable Quality Hanson with Beards and version two is Super Horrible Quality Hanson without Beards. In the end, yours truly wasn’t able to resist pubescent Zac Hanson bangin’ the drums to a Christmas track.)
Dr. Dog – “Christmas Party”
Surviving Christmas parties with family is easy, if you have Dr. Dog playing somewhere in the background. If worse comes to worst, e.g., forgetting your six-year-old godchild’s name as she kisses you on the cheek after you’ve had your sixth drink (like me), you always have that option of locking yourself inside a restroom with a bottle of wine and this mixtape. Don’t forget your phone charger. Bring a small pillow to put on the toilet so you’d pass out comfortably several hours later.
Dent May – “Holiday Face”
You know you’re doing your “Holiday Face” right if you experience the following:
- Tired face muscles from too much chewing
- Patting your stomach even if not pregnant
- Burping every three minutes
- Blurred vision triggered by carbohydrates
- Blurred vision triggered by beer poured into your glass by previous Tito Boy who is again, drinking like a fish
- Going outside to pass gas peacefully, within safe distance from your crush
If you experience these things, congratulations! You ARE doing your “Holiday Face” right and making Dent May proud.
Parenthetical Girls – “Last Christmas”
Some people dislike the idea of Christmas because they are nursing broken hearts. I’ve been there a few times, so I felt this way too, at some point. BUT! Fear not. There will always be someone special waiting to accept your bleeding heart wrapped in bubble wrap soon, when you’re ready to give it out as a present. I believe this sincerely.
Bright Eyes – “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
Bright Eyes’ frontman Conor Oberst sounds sad and/or angry most of the time. His version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is no exception, but Conor being Conor—the end result is, as always, a gloomy kind of beautiful.
Sufjan Stevens – “Come On! Let’s Boogey to the Elf Dance”
I’ve no idea how to dance the “Elf Dance” up to this day, but the glee-filled pianos and tambourines on this Sufjan track make it easy for me to bob my head, sway my hips, and shuffle my feet even without the help of an alcoholic beverage.
The Polyphonic Spree – “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”
“So, this is Christmas. What have you done? Another year over, and a new one just begun.”
I hope you’ve all done nice and great things this year. Happy holidays and wishing everyone a safe and a great year ahead!