Not too long ago I was asked by my Managing Editor, Kara Bodegon, to come up with an idea for my online column that will be posted on this lovely website. “It’s not a requirement,” I remember being told. It’s not going to be a basis for my immediate firing or whatever, either. My initial ideas were:

* The column will be mostly about me reviewing the most mundane things, e.g., Velcro, band-aids, the sound of bacon and eggs frying, etc.
* Something that will involve music (Please wave goodbye to your brain, Ju!)
* An advice column, wherein I will answer questions from anyone willing to trust a complete stranger’s judgment

Letter A was a spur-of-the-moment idea, an idea I thought of while I was getting angry at our office’s poor Internet connection; B is a completely stupid thought and serves only as a filler, and C was just—difficult, logistics-wise, feelings-wise, brain-wise, and skills-wise. This morning, however, an idea came to me while I was taking a shit. I don’t know about you, but any idea conceived in the restroom is bound to be gold (or shit. Let us see where this column will take me.)

 

So this is the idea.

 

I am a big fan of making mixtapes, and they all have served me rather well. I like the idea of using (and thieving) songs to create a story—something that would fit whatever mood I am feeling, what emotion my heart is instructing me to feel and be confused about, something that has the charm and tenacity to cause mini-earthquakes inside beating chests (yes.) I am also a big fan of people. And things. So here’s the plan: I will pair anyone or anything with anyone or anything, and make them a lovely, heart-wrenching mixtape.

 

For this column’s debut, I am pairing Game of Thrones’ Lady Sansa Stark (played by actress Sophia Turner in the series) with something which I think fits well with her personality. This “something,” my friends, is a plank of wood. Yes! A Plank of Wood! A non-living thing!

 

I don’t know about you, but word on the street is: Sansa Stark, daughter of the late Ned and Catelyn Stark—has a super submissive personality. She allowed herself to be married to the Biggest Asshole in Town without putting up a fight; has an undeniable affinity for lemon cakes and nothing else; whines during her spare time, and has sort of developed a strong liking for witnessing everyone she loves getting killed and murdered. She mostly sits. And cries. Her voice’s extraordinary way of quivering every time she called the now-dead Joffrey Barratheon “My King” deserves an award.

 

But I have this feeling that Sansa is just waiting for her time to shine. Patience is a virtue, so they say—and Sansa probably holds the record for being patient while waiting for something grand to happen to her and to the Starks, in general. I predict extreme loss of blood, this being Game of Thrones, or maybe even her slaying a dragon with her bare hands—I don’t know. I haven’t read all the books yet. For the meantime, here is a mixtape I’ve created for Sansa Stark’s relationship with a Plank of Wood—a relationship that I think would end rather soon, as Sansa becomes surprisingly grittier as the series progresses. I can’t wait for her to finally kick some ass.

 

The Kills, “Future Starts Slow”

What does the future look like, if you’re in a relationship with a Plank of Wood!? This is a love affair found on a one-way street to begin with. Passive Sansa lets POW (Plank of Wood) to pretty much take the wheel (meaning Sansa allows POW to “holler, wail, swing, flail, fuck like a broken sail” –figuratively, maybe even literally), creating questionable amounts of unhealthy co-dependence. What a horrible match. I see nothing but a slow build towards a soon-to-deteriorate future.

 

Wilco, “ELT”

Wilco’s penchant for abbreviating things plays a huge role in Sansa and POW’s miserable relationship. “ELT” simply stands for “Every Little Thing.” Sansa, in those rare moments of self-awareness and maturity— finally listens to all those little things her brain tells her, i.e., stand up for yourself, stop acting like a child!, you have no future with POW, you’re probably going to die soon if you continue being like this, etc.

 

New Order, “Age of Consent”

Climax: POW acknowledges Sansa’s sudden obsession with subtle rebellion. POW, who somehow finds it hard to communicate in general, wants out. The lines “Won’t you please let me go/I’m not the kind who likes to tell you just what I want to do” pretty much proves this.

 

Crosses, “This is a Trick”

This is the part where it all begins to smell like deceit. It’s Sansa versus a Plank of Wood: in which an excited Sansa confronts POW and POW’s bag of tricks, giving her an excuse and more reasons to finally give their relationship up.

 

Perfect Pussy, “Driver”

“Leave a hole, my shape, in everything you know/Death comes last to the party/meanwhile I’m biding my time.”  Sounds like something Petr Baelish would say. But what is really happening with Sansa and Littlefinger, anyway? This story reaches its falling action with Sansa finally letting POW go. *gunshots in the air* Finally.

 

Britney Spears, “Stronger”

Sansa, now fortified with lies and a sudden vigor for life, feels unstoppable. Nothing works best as a break-up song than Britney Spears’ “Stronger,” and I’m happy to report that Sansa’s loneliness is getting weaker around the manipulative presence of Littlefinger. Not really the best choice, but at least Sansa’s on to something bolder, now that she’s stronger (that one rhymed.) Hopefully, this stronger Sansa would choose swords over lemon cakes and finally prove that the name “Sophie Turner” is really not imaginary as shown on the Game of Thrones’ credits. Let’s all wait patiently for that day to arrive.